Writing With Depression

I've been wanting to write this for quite some time, but kept putting it off for whatever reason. Possibly because I felt it wasn't appropriate, that it didn't go with my blog. After all, its a more personal entry, and has less to do with writing. But once you think about it, it does have something to do with writing, as what I wish to share has affected it in such a strong way that its become crippling. Plus, as the days became weeks, and weeks became months, I had a burning desire to get this off my chest.

So, here goes. I'm going to be writing about depression, mainly my depression.

Let me be clear, I'm not fishing for sympathy, or making excuses. This is just me posting an update on my life, as well as raising awareness for depression, and mental health. Its real, and it sucks.

It seems that depression has been brought to the forefront of discussion as of late, and its about damn time. More people are talking about depression, its becoming acceptable and not considered a taboo subject (though I'd still say we have a long ways to go before its fully accepted in modern society). Maybe its because people, both celebrities and your average citizens, are taking their lives due to this terrible mental illness. It brings you to your knees, as a dark shadow hangs over you, which you can only see, and all your problems, worries, thoughts and fears run rough shod inside your delicate mind. Its working overtime, and you can't shut it off. Unfortunately, some people feel they only have one way out, but there are many ways to heal yourself, or make the illness not as powerful, allowing you to cope with it.

I'm currently going through a battle with depression myself, and its affected my chosen career path. I made a promise to myself that I'd update my blog on a regular basis, starting with what last year did for me (which you can read here). Trouble is, that was posted on the third day of January, and we're almost into March. I haven't posted anything since. Not very good, eh?

But, hey, February is only the second month, isn't it? There's still ten more months in the year to sort myself out creatively, and personally. My problem is I beat myself up way too much, and way too hard. I have certain expectations for myself, and when they're not met, well, I feel worthless.

I consider myself to be a creative person, if I didn't I wouldn't be writing on this blog, showing off my talents to the whole world. I'm constantly cooking up ideas in my head for stories, poems, potential novels, hell, even screenplays (something I use to growing up). But it takes a long, long time for me to work up the effort, not because I'm lazy but because I just don't feel good enough.

Lack of confidence? Cruel childhood past? In my case, its both because without giving away too much information about my personal life (this post is way more than what I would normally reveal to folk), my lack of confidence stems from a cruel childhood past. Being told I'm not good enough, being called all manner of names, and other general bullying.

And yet there was a small, quiet minority who said the opposite, but I just couldn't believe them because compliments were once in a blue moon for me. When they came, I didn't believe them. I was being told how rubbish I was that being told I'm good at something didn't make sense. I appreciated the kind words, however. 
They say depression can run in the family, but it can also be developed out of the blue. While I can pinpoint the cause to an extent, I don't suppose that really matters anymore. I have it now, its with me, and I have to learn how to cope with it instead of taking a miracle pill that'd cure me on the spot. It'd be nice, but that's not exactly realistic.

Here's a little secret about me; I don't talk about my feelings much, I bottle it all inside, and, now, the bottle has cracked and all my emotions are pouring out, and I can't put them back in, or find a new bottle. Its a wide spread mess, and I don't know how to clean it up.

Good news is, I'm seeing a counsellor, a doctor on a regular basis, as well as taking medication. Of course, there is always those off days that feel way bigger than they actually are, but that's depression for you; blowing things WAY out of proportion.

To combat that, I've added yoga and meditation to my recovery, as well as trying to smile for no reason whatsoever (it apparently boosts your mood, and relieve stress). I've also been told to keep up with my hobbies, and interests, which means writing, but easier said than done. Most days, I just want to jump on YouTube and watch silly videos to make me feel better short term, even if that burning desire to make something of myself that resides in the pit of my stomach tries to get out. But with the way I feel most days, its hard to put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboards) and just go for it, and thus begins the vicious cycle of not feeling worthy.

You want to do something, you need to do something, but you can't because your brain is working against you, and you don't feel good enough, and before you know it time has passed. A lot of time has passed, and for some, it becomes too late.

The hardest battles are those you fight within, and, believe me, I wrestle with myself everyday.

I have a long way to go, but I am fighting my illness (and it is an illness, no doubt about it). I have the support of my family, and some moments of sunshine to look forward to. I'm also learning to treat myself, which I don't do often enough, as well as eating mood boosting foods like Salmon, Almonds and Ginger, among other things.

There is hope on the horizon, its faint but there. I keep reminding people on Twitter of my blog, with the promise of more poems and short stories, which have yet to materialise. Hard work, and dedication will get me through, and as long as the fire deep inside me stays lit, no matter how faint, there is a chance for me.

If any of you are feeling low, suffering from depression, and having suicidal thoughts TALK TO SOMEONE. Don't repress it, don't be silent, talk to someone be it a family member, friend, counsellor or doctor. This world was made for us to be happy, and everyone deserves to be happy.

Call or text SANE UK on 0300 304 7000 from 4:30pm to 10:30pm every evening.

Check out their website sane.org.uk for more details.

Call SAMARITANS any time on 116 123 (its free to call), or email at joe@samaritans.org.

You can also find your local Samaritans branch and walk in if you'd prefer seeing someone face to face.

Call NHS if its an absolute crisis by calling them on 111. Or walk into your local Accident & Emergency department if you're concerned for your own safety.

There is plenty of help, and information for those living outside the United Kingdom as well. You are never alone. 

Look out for yourself, love yourself, and be of peace and mind. In the immortal words of the 1993 film Demolition Man; “Be well”.